Thursday 30 September 2010

WK on Vulpiphiliac Nightmares

September 26, 2010
2:05 PM

WK:  I had a nightmare last night.  It's the same nightmare I have every night.

Me:  What happened?

WK:  It was about a giant fox who ran around all night long, eating baby animals.

Me:  Were you scared of the fox?

WK:  No, I was the fox.

Wednesday 29 September 2010

Special Editor's Note

Today, September 29, is WK's sixth birthday. 

WK on Tourism and the Battle of the Atlantic

September 26, 2010
11:46 AM

Me:  (Pointing to the gun turrets of HMS Belfast)  What do you think those are, WK?

WK:  Guns.  For shooting Germans, right?

Me:  At first, yeah.

WK:  But not anymore.  Now, they use the guns to shoot people who visit London and don't know how to behave.

Tuesday 28 September 2010

WK on Bilingualism

September 26, 2010
11:42 AM

WK:  I think next time we are in America, I will understand all the American spoken there.

Me:  That's good.

WK:  It doesn't matter where the American is from.  I will understand all American. 

Me:  Nice one.

WK:  In fact, if the American speaks American too fast, I will just say 'slow down, Stupid American.'

Me:  You're American.  You were born in Connecticut.

WK:  Stop saying stupid things to me.

Monday 27 September 2010

LF on the Electra Complex (II)

September 25, 2010
11:30 AM

LF:  I love you.

Me:  I love you too.

LF:  I adore you.

Me:  I adore you too.

LF:  Marry me!

Friday 24 September 2010

LF on Comparisons

September 23, 2010
6:40 AM

Me:  I know you really love your doll.

LF:  She's the nicest little girl here.

Me:  But what about you?

LF:  Oh, I'm the nicest little girl in the whole world.

Wednesday 22 September 2010

WK on the Luftwaffe

September 22, 2010
6:20 AM

WK:  When the Germans come back in their big bomber planes and bomb St. Paul's again, I will shoot bigger rockets at them and boom them out of the sky!

Me:  This won't happen.  The Germans are our friends now.

WK:  I think they are just scared of you.

Tuesday 21 September 2010

WK on Thinking

September 19, 2010
6:12 PM

WK:  Where's my water glass?

Me:  I don't know.

WK:  You'd better start thinking a bit harder!

Monday 20 September 2010

WK on Discipline

September 19, 2010
1:30 PM

Me:  What should we do about LF punching and kicking?

WK:  If LF keeps acting like this, here's what I think you should do.  Buy a car, and park it outside our house.  Then put her in the car, and lock all the doors.

Friday 17 September 2010

LF and WK on Pregnancy

September 15, 2010
6:37 AM

LF:  Daddy, I'm going to make a baby grow inside of me today.

Me:  Um, no.

LF:  Why not?

Me:  You're not old enough, sweetheart.

LF:  (LF begins to cry) How old do I have to be?  Four?  Five?

Me:  16.  I mean, 25.

WK:  You can also wait until you're really, really old, like Mummy did.

WK on Stereotypes

September 12, 2010
5:40 PM

WK:  I wish I lived in China, so I could eat rice pudding every meal.

Thursday 16 September 2010

WK on Fricatives

September 12, 2010
5:20 PM

Wife: What?  What did you just say to your sister?  Don't use language like that!

WK:  I told her how to eat her ice cream.  I said 'suck it'.

Wife:  Oh.

WK:  Did you think I'd said 'fuck it'?

Wednesday 15 September 2010

WK on Worry

September 12, 2010
4:50 PM

Me:  We can read your new book about volcanoes tonight.

WK:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yeah - don't you want to?

WK:  I do.  But won't we go to jail if we read it?

Me:  Why would we go to jail?

WK:  Because you told me the book is for eight-year-olds, and I'm only five.

Tuesday 14 September 2010

LF on Anthropomorphic Rodents

September 12, 2010
3:45 PM

Wife:  Angelina Ballerina would never pinch her brother!

LF:  Then why does she have claws?

Monday 13 September 2010

WK on Parental Age

September 11, 2010
11:15 AM

WK:  Mummy, you lived in Roman times, right?

Wife:  No.

WK:  Tudor times?

Wife:  No.

WK:  The Great Fire?

Wife:  No.

WK:  But Daddy lived then.

Thursday 9 September 2010

LF on Scholastic Regimentation

September 9, 2010
6:48 AM

LF:  It was awful.  Three of the kids went out the blue door from the classroom.

Me:  So?

LF:  The blue door is for going in!  The red door is for going out!

WK and LF on the Power of Corporations

September 9, 2010
6:37 AM

WK:  Where's Lego-Land?

Me:  Near Windsor.

LF:  Where's Cinderella-Land?

Me:  Near Paris.

LF:  Why don't we live there?

Me:  Because I don't think you can actually live there.

LF:  But it's the only place I will be happy.

Monday 6 September 2010

WK on Monarchy

September 5, 2010
4:40 PM

WK:  What does the Queen do?  I mean, I just can't think what she actually does to help you or me.

Me:  Um ... she runs some charities.

WK:  That's it?

Me:  Um ...

WK:  That's really silly.

WK on Alcoholism

September 5, 2010
2:45 PM

WK:  Look, Daddy, there's a bar.  You can go there if you want to spend the rest of today drinking bad drink by yourself.

LF on Anosmia

September 5, 2010
12:07 PM

LF:  Daddy, do you smell that bad smell?

Me:  What bad smell?

LF:  Here, out the window.  It smells like rotten apples.

Me:  I can't smell anything.

LF:  That's because you're deaf!

WK on Prison

September 5, 2010
8:18 AM

WK:  If two bad men in prison were friends, then it wouldn't be so bad for them.

Me:  How so?

WK:  Well, the guard could watch them, and they could play games all day.

Me:  Like what?

WK:  Ride a Cock Horse, give each other piggyback rides all around the prison, stuff like that.

LF on Criminal Justice

September 5, 2010
8:05 AM

LF:  Daddy, how long would someone have to go to jail if they bit someone else really, really hard?

Me:  I don't know.  Maybe a year?

LF:  What if the someone was a three-year-old girl, and the person they bit was their brother?

WK on Vengeance

September 4, 2010
3:20 PM

WK:  If you give me a spanking and then the court says I didn't do it, then I will wait until you're asleep, come into your room, and throw all your books in the bin.

Me:  I've never spanked you.

WK:  I'm just saying, so you know what will happen.

WK on Being Cool

September 4, 2010
1:08 PM

WK:  Daddy, go in the other room and wash up.

Me:  OK. 

WK:  Me and LF are going to sit in here and listen to the radio.

Me:  What will you listen to?

WK:  We're going to hear the news and rock out.

Wednesday 1 September 2010

WK on NASA Funding

August 30, 2010
6:18 PM

WK:  They should get everyone in the universe who wants to go to the moon and then we each send them a penny.  Then they can build the moon rockets again.  And then I can go live on the moon.

Me:  What would you do up there?

WK:  Build sand castles.  Play with my trains.  You and Mummy can come visit in your rocket.