WK on Obesity

December 6, 2010
6:48 AM

WK:  How fat will I be when I grow up?

Me:  Depends.

WK:  As fat as a pig?

Me:  No.

WK:  As fat as a house?

Me:  No.

WK:  As fat as you?

WK and LF on Noddy's Monkey Town

December 6, 2010
6:25 AM

WK:  Both my Monkeys ran away from Monkey Town when they were babies, went to John Lewis, and waited there for a little boy who really loved Monkeys to become their Daddy.

Me:  That's lovely.

WK:  That little boy is me.

LF:  This is a load of shit.

WK on Careers

December 4, 2010
9:05 AM

Me:  You can both be my nurses today, because I'm sick.

WK:  Well, ok, but I can't be a nurse because I'm a boy.  Boys are doctors, girls are nurses.

Me:  Boys can be nurses.  And girls can be doctors.  And you can be a doctor if you would rather.

WK:  No!  I will be a nurse!

LF on Fun

November 30, 2010
1:35 PM

Wife:  I wouldn't hop down the stairs, if I were you.

LF:  I would.

Wife:  Strikes me, it's dangerous.

LF:  Strikes me, it's fun.

WK on Scandinavian Crime Fiction

November 30, 2010
7:45 AM


WK:  What's The Grill Who Played With Fire about?

Wife:  The Girl ... I don't know, I haven't read it.  Ask your Father.

WK:  I don't need to.  I already know what it's about.

Wife:  Oh yeah?

WK:  Yeah.  A girl who grows up and does a terrible thing.  She smokes stigarettes [sic].

Wife:  Stigarettes?  Really?  How shocking!  What happens to her?

WK:  Oh, she dies, of course.  That's what happens to you if you smoke stigarettes, Mummy.

LF on Jokes

November 29, 2010
7:30 AM

LF:  Mummy?

Wife:  Yes, dear?

LF:  I don't love you.  Not one tiny bit.

Wife:  Is that supposed to be a joke, LF?

LF: (Helpless with laughter)  Yes!

Wife:  It's not terribly funny.

WK on Schizophrenia

November 28, 2010
5:15 PM

Wife:  Both of you are tired, so no talking after bed tonight.

WK:  Except in my head.  I can talk to the voices in my head.  That's why I have a head, so that I can talk to the voices inside.

WK on Rivalry with Renzo Piano

November 27, 2010
2:05 PM

Me:  You know the Shard in London?

WK:  Yeah.

Me:  It's now the tallest building in London.

WK:  Huh.  I built the tallest lego tower my school has ever seen.  And I have flown in an airplane into space.  Is the Shard as high as space?

Me:  No.

WK:  So, I look down on it.

WK on Veracity

November 24, 2010
6:40 AM

WK:  (Crying)  Listen to me!  Listen to me!  I want to tell you what happened!

Me:  Stop crying.  We don't need to know more.  Mummy and I saw what happened, so we know the truth.

WK:  But I will tell you the better truth!

LF on Possessive Love

November 24, 2010
6:35 AM

Me:  What are you doing, honey?

LF:  Looking at your face.

Me:  Why?

LF:  Because it is sweet and beautiful.  Do me a favour?

Me:  Sure.

LF:  Never leave the house again.

WK on Trans-Species Affection (II)

November 20, 2010
11:35 AM

WK:  Daddy, how big is a Bunkey?

Me:  I don't know what a Bunkey is.

WK:  It's a baby that is half a bunny, half a monkey.

Me:  There's no such thing.

WK:  Ah, but there is such a thing as a Munny.  That's why you have a job.

WK on Marine Engineering

November 19, 2010
6:15 AM

WK:  When I'm big, I will build a bridge that goes all around England, then over to Japan, then finally to Ireland.

Me:  Japan is far away, with oceans in between.

WK:  So?  I will drain the ocean and lay down my road.  I will put all the fish in a big tank until the road is done.

Me:  You sure you can do that?

WK:  Stop worrying.  I won't drain ponds or lakes where rabbits and baby deer drink.  I will only drain the ocean.  Animals can't drink salt water, because if they do, a big white shark will eat them.

WK on Domestic Service

November 11, 2010
7:16 AM

WK:  Mummy, are you a servant or a member of the family?

Wife:  What?

WK:  I mean, I know you do everything for us, but are you actually a servant or part of the family?

Wife:  I'm your Mother!

WK:  But you never sit down with the family, you get up all the time.  I think you are my servant.

Wife:  I gave birth to you.

WK:  Oh, I forgot about that.

WK on Courage

November 8, 2010
3:15 PM

Me:  How'd your flu shot go, WK?  Hope it didn't hurt too much.

WK:  I laughed as the needle went in.

WK on My Younger Sister

November 6, 2010
3:48 PM

Me:  Your Aunt is visiting Africa.

WK:  Hope she's not in a lion's belly.

Me:  She's not.

WK:  I'm going to write and warn her of the lions.  If we don't hear back by tomorrow, then sorry Daddy, she's in a lion's belly.

WK on World War III

November 6, 2010
3:25 PM

WK:  If the next World War happens when I am older, then right away, right away I'm in my bomber plane, swooping over the bad countries.  Anyone bombs us, then boom!  Count to one, Daddy.

Me:  One.

WK:  Boom!  I just dropped ten bombs and knocked down one thousand buildings in Germany.

WK on Charles, Prince of Wales

November 6, 2010
3:15 PM

WK:  Those French.  They're like super-nice.

Me:  Why?

WK:  They let anyone named Charles come live there, and wait to be King, even if their Daddy got their head chopped off and thrown out a window.

Me:  True.

WK:  Could the Charles we have now move to France if the Queen gets her head chopped off?

LF on Sadism

October 28, 2010
8:50 AM

LF:  Don't do your exercises, Mummy!

Wife:  If I don't do them, then Mummy will get stiff.  Do you want that?

LF:  Yeah.

Wife:  Do you know what 'stiff' means?  It means I will be in a lot of pain.

LF:  I want you to be in a lot of pain.

WK on Bos Taurus

October 28, 2010
8:40 AM

Me:  Don't worry.  Even if you hit me hard by accident, you couldn't hurt me.

WK:  A bull could hurt you.

Me:  Sure, but a bull is a lot bigger than you.

Wife:  And much, much fiercer.

WK:  It's not as fierce as LF.

WK on the Comprehensive Spending Review

October 26, 2010
8:01 AM

Me:  This news means that the country isn't making as much money as before.

WK:  Yeah, because the government is cutting all the jobs in the country.

WK on Astronomy

October 25, 2010
7:10 PM

WK:  Can you see another planet in detail from here?

Me:  To see details, you would need a telescope.

WK:  Through the clouds, with magic?

Me:  Usually you would go in the desert or mountains where there are fewer clouds.

WK:  But I'm scared of the desert.  Bad animals might eat me while I'm looking at planets with my magic telescope.

LF on Lunar Observation

October 25, 2010
6:45 PM

Me:  It might not have been the moon you saw, WK, it's pretty cloudy.

LF:  It's also night and really dark to be able to see the moon.

Special Announcement

November 2

My beautiful daughter LF is four years old today.  Happy Birthday, LF!

LF on Shoplifting

October 24, 2010
11:20 AM

Me:  You can't just take candy and eat it without paying.

LF:  I'm really just little and don't know things.

Special Announcement

The Huge Spider for Daddy crew is on vacation for one week.  Updates will resume on November 1st. 

WK on World War

October 22, 2010
6:10 AM

WK: (Reading to LF) This is a page about World War I.  It's called World War I because we had one bomber plane, one ship and one gun.  On the next page is World War II.  It's called World War II because it's on the page after World War I. 

WK and LF on Pre-Meditated Violence

October 16, 2010
5:38 PM

WK:  If you hit me, I will take your eyes out.

LF:  You can't really take eyes out.

WK:  Yes, you can, with a carving knife.

WK on Mount St. Helens

October 16, 2010
6:20 PM

WK:  When I'm older, let's find a vulcanologist and go climb Mount St. Helens together.

Me:  Sounds great.  We'll do that when you're older.

WK: When I'm 30, if my teacher says I can miss a day of school, will you take me climbing that volcano?

LF on Paternity

October 16, 2010
3:30 PM

LF:  I'm a baby piglet, and you're my Daddy Pig.

Me:  Sure.

LF:  I'm a real baby piglet, I just came out of your tummy.

Me:  I'm the Daddy Pig.  You can't have come out of my tummy.

LF:  (Crying) But then I'm not really your own baby!

WK and LF on Exaggeration

October 15, 2010
6:25 AM

WK:  My chest still hurts because of what LF did yesterday.  It was like a cheetah pouncing on me, it was that hard.  No, it was like if your shoes climbed a skyscraper, jumped off, and landed on my chest.  That's what it felt like.

Me:  LF, what did you do to your brother?

LF:  I gave him a hug.

WK and LF on Sympathetic Pain

October 14, 2010
6:15 AM

LF:  My eye hurts.  Don't make me wake up.

WK:  My eye hurts too.  My foot hurts.

LF:  My foot hurts.

Me:  Why does your foot hurt, LF?

LF:  Because WK's foot hurts.

WK on La Recherche du Temps Perdu

October 10, 2010
12:46 PM

Me:  So, that's my earliest memory.  What's yours?

WK:  I can remember being created.

Me:  What?  I don't think so.

WK:  No, I do.  I remember the special cuddle you gave Mummy to make me.

Me:  That's impossible.

WK:  Then how do I remember arriving inside Mummy's tummy?

Me:  Never mind.  What's your next-earliest memory?

WK:  Flying on an airplane to America last year.

LF and WK on Witchcraft

October 7, 2010
6:35 AM

LF:  Have you ever seen a witch, Daddy?

Me:  Witches aren't real.

WK:  Witches were real, but they lived 19,762,010 years ago.

LF:  What about the witches who live in caves, hunt little kids at night, and eat children?

WK:  Oh, those witches.  Oh yeah.

LF on Guilt Trips

October 7, 2010
6:25 AM

Me:  Pink shirt for me today.

LF:  Good.  When you don't wear a pink shirt, I spend all day at school sobbing and crying.

WK on Cosmetics

October 6, 2010
7:25 AM

WK:  Can I have some face cream?

Wife:  No, it's mine.  I'm using it.

WK:  What's it for?

Wife:  It makes Mummy's skin look nice.

WK:  Does it work?

WK on Selfishness

October 3, 2010
1:40 PM

WK:  I'm not going to sit here and wait for you to finish.  I'm going to play.

Me:  Sit and wait for everyone to be done with their lunch.

WK:  I don't want to.

Wife:  I spent the morning baking you a cake, made you your favourite lunch, and then got up five times during lunch to fetch you and LF special treats.  So who's being selfish now?

WK:  You are.

LF and WK on Prejudice and the Brothers Grimm

October 3, 2010
8:20 AM

Me:  Snow White is tougher than Cinderella.  She doesn't always need a prince to fix things.

LF:  Yeah, but her hair.

Me:  True, she doesn't have blonde hair like you.

WK:  LF can dye her hair!

LF and WK on Shakespeare

October 2, 2010
8:55 AM

Me:  The next time you get asked a question, just say 'To be or not to be/That is the question.'

LF:  Don't say that, WK!  That's rude!

WK:  It's not rude, LF.  It's French.

WK on Wild Animals

September 30, 2010
6:40 AM

WK:  If I were a cheetah, I could kill a great white shark.

Me:  I don't think so, sweetie.

WK:  Why not?  I would use my stinger, and poison the shark when it swam by.

Me:  Cheetahs live on land, and can run fast.

WK:  Oh.  When I said 'cheetah' I meant 'octopus'.

WK on Doctors

September 29, 2010
6:15 AM

Wife:  WK told me he wants to be a doctor when he grows up.

Me:  That's great!  WK, that would be a good job.

WK:  Yeah, I want to be a doctor.  But not a normal doctor.  I want to be the kind that actually helps people.

WK on Vulpiphiliac Nightmares

September 26, 2010
2:05 PM

WK:  I had a nightmare last night.  It's the same nightmare I have every night.

Me:  What happened?

WK:  It was about a giant fox who ran around all night long, eating baby animals.

Me:  Were you scared of the fox?

WK:  No, I was the fox.

Special Editor's Note

Today, September 29, is WK's sixth birthday. 

WK on Tourism and the Battle of the Atlantic

September 26, 2010
11:46 AM

Me:  (Pointing to the gun turrets of HMS Belfast)  What do you think those are, WK?

WK:  Guns.  For shooting Germans, right?

Me:  At first, yeah.

WK:  But not anymore.  Now, they use the guns to shoot people who visit London and don't know how to behave.

WK on Bilingualism

September 26, 2010
11:42 AM

WK:  I think next time we are in America, I will understand all the American spoken there.

Me:  That's good.

WK:  It doesn't matter where the American is from.  I will understand all American. 

Me:  Nice one.

WK:  In fact, if the American speaks American too fast, I will just say 'slow down, Stupid American.'

Me:  You're American.  You were born in Connecticut.

WK:  Stop saying stupid things to me.

LF on the Electra Complex (II)

September 25, 2010
11:30 AM

LF:  I love you.

Me:  I love you too.

LF:  I adore you.

Me:  I adore you too.

LF:  Marry me!

LF on Comparisons

September 23, 2010
6:40 AM

Me:  I know you really love your doll.

LF:  She's the nicest little girl here.

Me:  But what about you?

LF:  Oh, I'm the nicest little girl in the whole world.

WK on the Luftwaffe

September 22, 2010
6:20 AM

WK:  When the Germans come back in their big bomber planes and bomb St. Paul's again, I will shoot bigger rockets at them and boom them out of the sky!

Me:  This won't happen.  The Germans are our friends now.

WK:  I think they are just scared of you.

WK on Thinking

September 19, 2010
6:12 PM

WK:  Where's my water glass?

Me:  I don't know.

WK:  You'd better start thinking a bit harder!

WK on Discipline

September 19, 2010
1:30 PM

Me:  What should we do about LF punching and kicking?

WK:  If LF keeps acting like this, here's what I think you should do.  Buy a car, and park it outside our house.  Then put her in the car, and lock all the doors.

LF and WK on Pregnancy

September 15, 2010
6:37 AM

LF:  Daddy, I'm going to make a baby grow inside of me today.

Me:  Um, no.

LF:  Why not?

Me:  You're not old enough, sweetheart.

LF:  (LF begins to cry) How old do I have to be?  Four?  Five?

Me:  16.  I mean, 25.

WK:  You can also wait until you're really, really old, like Mummy did.

WK on Stereotypes

September 12, 2010
5:40 PM

WK:  I wish I lived in China, so I could eat rice pudding every meal.

WK on Fricatives

September 12, 2010
5:20 PM

Wife: What?  What did you just say to your sister?  Don't use language like that!

WK:  I told her how to eat her ice cream.  I said 'suck it'.

Wife:  Oh.

WK:  Did you think I'd said 'fuck it'?

WK on Worry

September 12, 2010
4:50 PM

Me:  We can read your new book about volcanoes tonight.

WK:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yeah - don't you want to?

WK:  I do.  But won't we go to jail if we read it?

Me:  Why would we go to jail?

WK:  Because you told me the book is for eight-year-olds, and I'm only five.

LF on Anthropomorphic Rodents

September 12, 2010
3:45 PM

Wife:  Angelina Ballerina would never pinch her brother!

LF:  Then why does she have claws?

WK on Parental Age

September 11, 2010
11:15 AM

WK:  Mummy, you lived in Roman times, right?

Wife:  No.

WK:  Tudor times?

Wife:  No.

WK:  The Great Fire?

Wife:  No.

WK:  But Daddy lived then.

LF on Scholastic Regimentation

September 9, 2010
6:48 AM

LF:  It was awful.  Three of the kids went out the blue door from the classroom.

Me:  So?

LF:  The blue door is for going in!  The red door is for going out!

WK and LF on the Power of Corporations

September 9, 2010
6:37 AM

WK:  Where's Lego-Land?

Me:  Near Windsor.

LF:  Where's Cinderella-Land?

Me:  Near Paris.

LF:  Why don't we live there?

Me:  Because I don't think you can actually live there.

LF:  But it's the only place I will be happy.

WK on Monarchy

September 5, 2010
4:40 PM

WK:  What does the Queen do?  I mean, I just can't think what she actually does to help you or me.

Me:  Um ... she runs some charities.

WK:  That's it?

Me:  Um ...

WK:  That's really silly.

WK on Alcoholism

September 5, 2010
2:45 PM

WK:  Look, Daddy, there's a bar.  You can go there if you want to spend the rest of today drinking bad drink by yourself.

LF on Anosmia

September 5, 2010
12:07 PM

LF:  Daddy, do you smell that bad smell?

Me:  What bad smell?

LF:  Here, out the window.  It smells like rotten apples.

Me:  I can't smell anything.

LF:  That's because you're deaf!

WK on Prison

September 5, 2010
8:18 AM

WK:  If two bad men in prison were friends, then it wouldn't be so bad for them.

Me:  How so?

WK:  Well, the guard could watch them, and they could play games all day.

Me:  Like what?

WK:  Ride a Cock Horse, give each other piggyback rides all around the prison, stuff like that.

LF on Criminal Justice

September 5, 2010
8:05 AM

LF:  Daddy, how long would someone have to go to jail if they bit someone else really, really hard?

Me:  I don't know.  Maybe a year?

LF:  What if the someone was a three-year-old girl, and the person they bit was their brother?

WK on Vengeance

September 4, 2010
3:20 PM

WK:  If you give me a spanking and then the court says I didn't do it, then I will wait until you're asleep, come into your room, and throw all your books in the bin.

Me:  I've never spanked you.

WK:  I'm just saying, so you know what will happen.

WK on Being Cool

September 4, 2010
1:08 PM

WK:  Daddy, go in the other room and wash up.

Me:  OK. 

WK:  Me and LF are going to sit in here and listen to the radio.

Me:  What will you listen to?

WK:  We're going to hear the news and rock out.

WK on NASA Funding

August 30, 2010
6:18 PM

WK:  They should get everyone in the universe who wants to go to the moon and then we each send them a penny.  Then they can build the moon rockets again.  And then I can go live on the moon.

Me:  What would you do up there?

WK:  Build sand castles.  Play with my trains.  You and Mummy can come visit in your rocket.

WK on Mysteries

August 30, 2010
5:17 PM

WK:  My world is full of mystery.

Me:  Like what?

WK:  Like, why do you get paid money for doing your job?

LF on the Electra Complex

August 29, 2010
3:15 PM

LF:  Daddy, where have Mummy and WK gone?

Me:  They are out of sight around the corner of this path.

LF:  Are we alone?

Me:  Yes.

LF:  We're alone forever!  Yay!

LF on Herbivores

August 29, 2010
2:49 PM

LF:  Daddy, are there deers in this wood?

Me:  Yes.

LF:  If one eats me, will you chop it open with your axe and rescue me?

WK and LF on Fine Dining

August 27, 2010
12:28 PM

Me:  How do you like your chips, WK?

WK:  You know when you do a poo, yeah, and it's really long, and soft and in one piece?  These chips taste like someone did that on my plate.

LF:  And then they boiled the poo chips in wee, then they served them to us for lunch.

WK:  This is the worst meal I have ever had in my long years.

WK on Friendship

August 26, 2010
5:04 PM

Wife:  I have a lot of friends now.

WK:  Yeah?  Like who?

LF on Behavior

August 26, 2010
7:18 AM

Me:  Why did you use a pair of scissors to cut a hole in my best pair of trousers?

LF:  I was pretending to be naughty.

WK on Blindness and Literacy

August 25, 2010
11:20 AM

WK:  Then we walked down to the river to see the ducks.  And something shocking happened.  There was a group of people, and they were feeding the ducks bread, right next to the sign that says 'No Feeding Bread to the Ducks.'  And they weren't blind.  And they could read.

LF on Showers

August 25, 2010
7:36 AM

LF:  Mummy, we need a new shower.  There is no hot water in the shower.

Wife:  No, we don't.  The shower is fine.

LF:  Daddy says it's not.  Daddy said the shower is a shit in the neck.

Wife:  Daddy shouldn't have said that. 

LF:  Daddy is really naughty.

LF and WK on Hygiene and Google Images

August 25, 2010
6:32 AM

WK:  Daddy, you're going to skip your shower today and spend the time finding me photos on the computer of diseased lungs.

LF:  Yeah.  And then you can show me a picture of a group of crocodiles and wolves.

Me:  But I want to take a shower.  (LF and WK begin to cry)

WK:  Look out!  Now I'm really cross!

LF:  Filthy, fat Daddy!

WK on Regicide

August 21, 2010
2:14 PM

Me:  (Pointing to the Banqueting House) See that?  That's where Charles I was killed.

WK:  Oh.  How did he die?

Me:  He got his head chopped off.

WK:  That's not actually very nice.

Me:  Why not?

WK:  Because if you're going to kill someone, just shoot them with a gun, don't go around chopping off pieces of their body.

LF on Heartbreak and Pushchairs

August 20, 2010
1:55 PM

LF:  I want to get in the pushchair.

Wife:  Bad luck.  Walk.

LF:  Oh, Mummy, if you don't let me get in the pushchair, my heart will break.

Wife:  OK, darling, fair enough.  Hop in.  Is there anything else you need?

LF:  No.

WK on Trans-Species Affection

August 20, 2010
10:43 AM

Me:  Do you think it's a good idea to misbehave at a museum when your mother isn't feeling well?

WK:  Do you think a photo of a policeman kissing an orangutan is funny?

WK on Intelligence

August 19, 2010
3:20 PM

Wife:  Those statues (pointing at a group of plaster rabbits) are not for climbing.

WK:  How do you know that, if you're really not very clever?

LF on Hair Colour and Caesarian Sections

August 16, 2010
3:41 PM

LF:  Mummy, when the big doctor cut me out of your tummy with a sharp blade, why was my hair black?

Wife:  Because it was, dear.  Hair is often a different colour when you are born.

LF:  No.  That big doctor, when he was done cutting me out with a knife, you know what he did?

Wife: No.

LF:  He painted my hair black while nobody was looking, then he handed me to you.

WK on God and Rain

August 12, 2010
6:35 AM

WK: Daddy, you know God, yeah?

Me: Yeah.

WK: Some people think that when it rains, it's because God is spitting out water.

Me: Sure.

WK: People who, you know, go to church. Church people.

Me: I'm sure some of them believe that.

WK: Especially Christians. Christian people think about rain and spit a lot.

Me: That's true.

WK: I think God is real. I've even been to Church twice.

Me: That's good for you.

WK: Do you think God is real?

Me: No.

WK: That's OK. But have you ever seen a firework?

Me: Yes.

WK: I made them at science camp, but without the real fire part. My favourite kind is the kind that spits out golden fire. That's what made me think about those Christian people who think that God is spitting out water. I think God spits out fire.

Me: Lots of people in the olden days thought that Gods lived in the volcanoes we've been reading about. Do you remember reading about this?

WK: Sure, but that's just silly. Even LF knows that volcanoes are made when craters fill full of magma and then overflow, blow up and spit real fire, not God fire.

Me: I agree.

WK: Do you know that today I think I will be both a baby monkey and a baby bunny?